Friday, November 12, 2021

How do you take your coffee?

 


My espresso machine is on the fritz. It's the Breville Baristo Express and it's only two years old. It should not be doing this to me. So now I'm having to drink French Pressed Maxwell House and the coffee snob in me is dying inside.

What I miss about it is that I have about six shots in the morning, and maybe four to six more throughout the day, and it's really easy to make them. Whereas...

WAIT, YOU HAVE HOW MANY A DAY?

Calm down, sparky. Yeah, up to twelve, sometimes more. I know. I know. Look, a lot of you drink too much, smoke too much, hit hardcore drugs too much, but espresso is the only reason I'll ever need a twelve-step program.

Hello, my name is Ray...

HI, RAY!

And I am an espressoholic.

*applause*

I am all about the macchiato, and by that I mean an actual one. Not that thing Starbucks serves. Basically it's just espresso with a dollop of pure foam on the top. None of the steamed milk. Perfectly gives it a fizzy topping without watering down (milking down?) the coffee.

Macchiato has nothing to do with caramel. You cannot pour macchiato flavor out of a creamer bottle. America has a completely fucked up idea what it means. It means "marked" in Italian, because you're just marking the espresso with a bit of foam.

Apparently Starbucks made a new drink, decided it needed a cool sounding name, and gave it that, so now every damned American Starbucks faux coffee snob thinks they learned a new word and what it means, and they all think it's a caramel thing. Ask any independent coffee shop baristo and they'll tell you how annoyed they are at having to explain to Starbucks customers that if they order a macchiato they are not going to get a big fake drink like they do there.

It's just like America collectively thinks sushi is raw fish. It isn't.

You know, I may need a 12-step program for sushi too. I may have lied earlier.

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